Dating a transgender


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The Transgender Dating Dilemma

October dating a transgender, by Kai Cheng Thom. This is a letter to P, who was always gentle. To S — with whom the sex was freaking unbelievable. To J, always punning and making me laugh; and to E, who is always truthful. This is a letter to all the men, both cisgender and transgender, who have ever loved me, and to all the men I will ever love.

I want you to know that I see you, I appreciate you, even when I am challenging you to treat women like me — trans women and women of color — better than men in this society are taught to. I know that being a man who is dating a trans woman who is outspoken and only sometimes passes is not always an easy thing. Both of these things are true because of the transmisogyny that still runs rampant in our society and the communities we live in.

And while this discrimination and hatred is mainly leveled toward girls like me, I know that dating a transgender of it is reflected onto you as well. This is something that is so, so hard to dating a transgender about. Part of the difficulty, I know, is that you may not want to admit that being attracted to, going out with, dating a transgender having sex with trans women comes with intense social stigma. Another part is that trans feminists like myself dating a transgender that any discussion of transmisogyny must center around trans women ourselves.

Men who date trans women are not murdered regularly the way that we are. But neither can I pretend that you live your life totally free from the violence and humiliation that a transmisogynistic culture attaches to my body — a body that you have touched and held and become associated with. And as much as we may wish that things were different, you and I know that there are so many walls that lie in the way of our loving each other. These barriers have caused us to question ourselves, dating a transgender our relationships.

Often, we fought about them. Sometimes, we broke up because of them. But the truth is, this is world that often necessitates both. Whether Dating a transgender like it or not, I am in this fight to the end. I have to be. You, however, have a choice: And if you should choose the latter — and I hope you do — then there are a few things I need you to know about shame, loving trans women, and loving yourself.

A huge amount of dating a transgender stigma around straight men who date trans women is actually based in homophobia. Past, present, and future boyfriends, I need to tell you something: If you identify as straight, then you can date trans women. If you are bisexual, you can date trans women. You and only you get to decide how to define your sexual orientation. I sometimes meet men who believe or have been told that their being attracted to trans women is a form of mental illness.

Some of you are, or have dating a transgender, those men. Most often, you have absorbed this message from the media: How many tabloid stories proclaim that a male celebrity has been caught with a trans woman as though this were shocking, sensational news? But neither my body nor your attraction to it is disgusting or sensational or ill. My body is beautiful, and so is your love. If we are abnormal, that means only that our relationship is different from the one prescribed to us by society.

As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity. Cis men are not alone in this — trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating a transgender trans women.

What you dating a transgender to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear. You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing interracial dating teenage. It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege.

Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own. Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: You and I have only one: I come across them all the time on OKCupid. But you and I are much more than that. This is insulting to you and me. I am not something you have to pity in order to love. Our relationship is not dating a transgender by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I — and by extension, you — experience in the world.

But real relationships — like ours — are dynamic and transforming, constantly opening up into new dimensions. At our best, I learn from you and you, from me. We fight, we hurt each other, we heal, we grow. We leave and come back together and leave once again. It wants to swallow everyone and everything. Because of this, whenever people talk about me, they usually refer to me in terms of my gender identity. How can we not be anxious and angry, when your families get uncomfortable when they find out who your partner is, when your friends snicker at us behind your back, when we have to be wary of violence when we go out at night?

But just as I am more than a trans woman, you are more than someone who loves trans women. But in the process of making them, you just might find a whole new truth about who you are. Dear boyfriends past and present: Thank you for being with me. But some trans women — like me — do want to be with men who know how to do the thing, and do it well. Knowing how to love a trans woman is simple.

You do it the way you ought to love anybody else: Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. ArticlesPosts Tagged With: Magazine Compassionate Activism Speakers Search Course Login. Everyday Feminism Intersectional Feminism For Dating a transgender Everyday Life. Get a day off to recharge! These 9 Answers Reveal Its Harm.

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