Gay but dating a girl


5 Dating Tips for Straight Girls From a Gay Guy



I’m a gay man, happily married to a woman. And I’m not the only one

Within every lesbian community there exists a tale as old as time, a proverb as common as it is contentious: Bi women cheat, betray, and ultimately leave—never for another woman, but for a man. Like those who flee the tumults of city life for quieter and less complicated pastures, bisexual women may seem destined, in gay but dating a girl eyes of gay women, to trade the grit and hardships of queer life for the suburbs of heteroville.

But is this really because we prefer a life of white-picket simplicity and comfort? Or could it be that, when it comes to romance between queer women, the game has been rigged from the start? Like many stereotypes, the lived experiences of one group have almost certainly colored the perceptions of another, however unfairly or inaccurately. I spent the first two decades of my life living as a closeted trans woman—a bisexual male to the outside world.

I have since transitioned, and now live as a bisexual woman. My experiences with dating, both before and teen dating matches transitioning, have magnified the differences in how courtship and sexual pursuit are modeled for both genders. But they make me feel wanted and desired in a way that very few women ever do. In this situation, if I approach romance even slightly more passively, or deviate from heteronormative standard practice in any way, the momentum between us fizzles out in a hurry.

Conversely, my relationships with straight men go haywire the moment I try to take a more active role in romance or courting. A lot gay but dating a girl men say they want that in a woman, but that has certainly not been my experience! My relationships with gay women, on the other hand, have felt much more egalitarian to me. In this situation our interactions feel less scripted and more ad-libbed, and I feel so much more like an equally invested—and involved!

Consider that I was not socialized as a woman from birth; I never learned to expect the heteronormative tropes of romance and showing attraction. Both parties then go their separate ways, bemoaning what seems like a lost cause. The above point is frequently cited in an attempt to explain why so few bi and lesbian pairs exist. And while the sheer number of available partners may explain some aspect of why bi women partner more frequently with men, the heteronormative socialization described above is almost certainly as responsible, if not more so, for this phenomenon.

But an even more insidious hurdle to a bi and lesbian pairing is plain, old fashioned misogyny—the disdain for the feminine vs. For instance, accusations of deceit are leveled at bi women as well as bi men, ostensibly insulting both groups equally: Bi women are actually straight, and bi men are actually gay. But note that while the claims appear to be opposite from one another, the underlying fears are the same: In both cases a given bisexual is sure to end up with a male partner, as our society dictates that sexual relationships are only viewed as legitimate when they involve at least one man.

As a result one rarely hears these concerns echoed in the gay male community; why would a gay man ever fear losing his bi male partner to a woman? I have personally seen this in action several times, as many polyamorous men have been all too excited for me to date their wife or girlfriend, only to suddenly refuse when I disclose that I am transgender. As a result, is it really so hard to see why some gay women might feel wary or reluctant to begin a relationship with a bisexual woman?

Her eyes got wider than the saucer holding her cup of coffee. Do you think I am? No person or group of people is entitled to the gay but dating a girl or intimate spaces of another, and nobody should be expected or even asked to expand their own boundaries solely for the sake of inclusivity. Particularly, in this instance, because the pressure to be more inclusive falls to gay women far more than any other marginalized group. Is it any wonder that they may feel angry or frustrated upon experiencing even slightly similar pressures in a supposed safe space?

Desire and love are not subject to popular vote, and as members of the queer community, we ought to know better than to gay but dating a girl these kinds of pressures on one another. If bisexual women hope to be seen as a more viable relationship option for gay women, we should remember that heteronormative socialization does give them a few good reasons to be wary of us.

And while some in the lesbian community have certainly expressed unreasonable prejudices towards bisexual women as a group, I would challenge us not to automatically claim biphobia in response, but to focus instead on rethinking what it means to both perform and receive romance. Of course, I am not unaware that being transgender has made doing this work somewhat easier for me than it might be for a woman raised from birth to view romance as a passive process.

But I believe that everyone in the bisexual community should take the opportunity to re-examine our habits and perceptions, to expose and dismantle the rigged game of heteronormative romance and the misogynist foundations supporting it—to tilt the odds in favor of queer romance, a game with new rules, better prizes, and far more winners. Another Lesbian Myth Against All Odds — Living a Purposeful Life Gay but dating a girl Farther I Go — the Closer We Get.

Vee Kinsley is a registered nurse, writer, and musician; she lives in Texas with her wife and only child, a ball python named Sir Hiss. There are two very powerful quotes from you that, as gay but dating a girl fellow queer woman, I appreciate so very much. I hope you find love, acceptance, and all the best in the world of romance and sex, because you deserve nothing short of someone who loves you and all of you, for who you are, and is attracted to you.

A good one in many i have read by now! Everyone has to accept otherones taste! Thats exactly why i dont date bi girls, they are always on the more guys spectrum and they never take women seriously.


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